23rd July....

Five years ago today my mother had just died. My brother walked into the room and took his place beside her with my Dad and myself and she took her final breath, with all of us together. The couple of weeks that followed were special. My family and I entered a bubble for a time and there was something very safe and secure about being together. Remembering the joyful times and rejoicing that Mum was no longer in pain and in heaven happy. There was sadness but hope.

The last five years has gone quickly but also feels like no time at all. So much has happened and changed. Four new grandchildren for a start. I often wonder what would have been different had Mum still lived up the road. Would I be different? I think I would have to be. I don't think you go through grief and not come out on a different path.

Time does lessen the pain, although when I think back to the last few weeks I can not help but think that this impending date has not contributed to things not working.  JJ often scream and pulls on my leg until I pick her up and cuddle her. She smiles and give me a (snotty) kiss, happy, content and quiet. Sometimes we just want our Mums, their cuddles make things better. I still want my Mum. I don't think that will ever go away. I have just learnt not to scream and don't have a leg to pull on. But I have all the things that she has taught me and that is a good thing.